My place to escape reality...

Wow it seems like its been forever since I wrote here, and I just read my last post, so much has changed since then, I can finally say that we are expecting, yup I'm 12 weeks pregnant today! and as much as my little belly is sort of there I still cannot believe that it acutally happened. After many many blood works, invasive ultrasounds, ovulation monitoring, operations, biopsies, hormone treatments, shots to my stomach, and numerous pills - now they are basically a distant memory. We had so much support from friends, family, even strangers that I felt really overwhelmed how people can really be nice and tell you that they are praying for you to get our miracle. This time around, it was different cause I finally started thinking positive, and it just felt right,I didn't shut down like every other cycle we tried to get pregnant, I told myself that this is it, that this year its going to happen, cause we deserve this, and I deserve this, and this would be the best christmas present ever, and when we went through IUI and I had to wait two weeks for the bloodwork, all through out that time I was just praying and staying positive and talking to my belly (yup I'm crazy like that) and telling her/him to grow and be healthy. So this year started off rough but its ending so well that nothing else matters, and I would like to thank all of you, who have been giving me support, praying with me and even those who unknowingly help me get through this tough time by writing stories, posting your own creative things, that helped me be distracted enough not to have time to feel sorry for myself and be depressed, so thank you again from me, my hubby and the little dream that is growing inside my belly! Stay positive, think positive believe and dreams will come true. hugs and kisses!

(my scanner sucks, I was going to post a pic of the ultrasound so maybe next time :(

It's been a while, no real excuse, I don't expect anyone to read this, its for my own purging of some thoughts, or maybe someone will have something to say, if they read this....

I have been through a lot lately, been battling with choosing what to do with life situations, I have written before about issues with infertility and wanting a child desperately...this has reached its peak i think. About a week ago I still had hope that we would have adopted a child from my home country, but there are very stupid laws there and we cant...after speaking to a lawyer who deals with adoptions they basically told us that Canada and Poland do not have an agreement to adopt newborns, so basically we might have had a shot to complete the adoption in Poland but would not be able to bring the baby over to Canada, we had a lady who wanted to give up her baby for us, she basically just gets pregnant and leaves them in the hospital, well maybe not all of them, she has 5 kids at home, she left 3 already in the hospital and this is her 9th pregnancy, what makes me angry that we could've given this unborn angel a home, a great life in Canada, but laws are preventing it and now the child will be left in the hospital, will most likely end up in foster home and ...i don't know I am just very angry about that.

so, after being very depressed and just refusing to do much, other than breathe and go to work (cause I had to) we decided to go to a local adoption agency.

we paid the initial fee, and now got all the applications. this is where the issues begin.

I am scared, cause we have soooo much to do, a homestudy, some other course, tons and tons of paperwork, and now that I read the application, we have to do a profile book. how do u talk about yourself? how do you basically sell yourself? and sound truthful and normal? the birth parents will be looking at this book and either like us or not... I know I am nice girl, and I am caring and I love to help people and am sort of creative I guess, but how do you write about yourself? can anyone help me with this?? we have to pick pictures and talk about our family and stuff, I don't even know where to begin....

my only good thing that sort of takes me away from all this emotional turmoil is reading! and as my latest obession is everything twilight, i thank you all who write, create and talk about twilight, cause it makes me really happy :) even if it is for a moment.

I think I am done.....for now.

Hello my dear friends, I have created another journal for collecting love stories, if you are interested at all please follow the link and hopefully u can contribute to my "research" I would very much appreciated if you do. thank you in advance. :)

http://lovestoriesasia.livejournal.com/

Hello my fellow twilighters :) I am looking for the original picture my icon came from (look at the icon :) if anyone has it please post it for me or let me know where I can get it, also one from the prom scene, when Edward leans in for Bellas neck :) thanks in advance. :):):)

Hello :) I was wondering if anyone can recommend any "Twilight saga-like" books, but really G or PG-13 rating, my friend's daughter has to read tons of books for school and she is into the vampires (thanks to me :) so I would love for her to keep reading. If anyone has read any similar books please let me know. thanks a lot. :)

I have a new obsession thanks to ALAINA :) TWILIGHT saga! oh yeah, i got it bad! dreaming of Edward... dreaming of being a vampire...i cant even explain...if anyone hasnt read those books yet...i strongly recommend you do - i compaired most of the descriptions that the author makes of Edward's eyes and how he feels about Bella to Alaina's Serendipity, so if you loved that you will truly love this series.... off to dreaming about a beautiful vampire :) thank you again Alaina! oh...and if anyone shares my obsession than please let me know, the more people to obsess this with the better!

Happy Birthday Lore :):):)I hope you are having a great day!

hugs and kisses :)

so...the big 30... so far not so good... sick... coughing, sneezing, etc. is not the way I would like to spend my birthday. This morning came back from my birthday weekend getaway to Florida - 80F was awesome compare to the snow storm that we got here..its kind of depressing to think that just 24 hours ago i was sitting on the beach with a drink saying its soooo hot here, and now I am freezing :( but that is what you get for living in here I guess...it was fun...will post pics as soon as I upload them.

:) hugs and kisses to my friendlist :)

ok :( i dont know what happened...I waited from 3:15 pm to 6:30pm at the airport for Lore....I couldnt find her...im so upset...im going to bed...hope you got home alright Lore...im sorry we didnt find each other :(:(:(

I am going to see Lore tommorow! :):):):) i am so freaking excited! cannot wait! she has a stop over in Toronto on her way home back to Mexico! how cool is that I will actually meet one of my ALAK girls! ahhhhhhhhh! it also makes me a bit sad that Alaina and Kelly cannot be there...how perfect would that be? :(

on another note, just saw P.S. I Love You - with Hilary Swank and Gerard Butler and that guy who played Denni in Grey's Anatomy (the one Izzi loved that died if anyone follows that) such a wonderful movie, i cried I laughed i cried some more... cannot wait to read the book


goodnight :) yayayayyaya Lore is coming to Toronto tommorow :) P

You HAVE to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less. It’s harder than you think.

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So... we started the fertility clinic again... another one... this one is apparently really good, the doctor is a number one fertility doctor in Canada so that's gotta count for something right? at least this time I dont feel like a machine... the people there -nurses, receptionist..etc are really really nice, and i finally found out what is really wrong with me, turns out my left tube is blocked. its a relief actually, cause i finally know.. i will know more soon, cause we are just waiting for the appt. with the very very busy doctor to see what we can do next... im anxious, scared, excited, stressed... all of the above.. but i know there is hope, i got that... and support of my husband.. he has been really good about this, calling me a trooper ;) like i really have a choice, we want a baby, and if i have to go through needle poking my arms and hands cause my stupid vains are deep and really small, and really invasive ultrasounds and more tests till i feel like a lab bunny I will do it! hope everyone is well! hugs to you all! miss you my ALAK girls! Gracie how have you been?? Brit? hugs to you too!

It's my 3rd wedding anniversary today... I can't believe how fast time flies! at this time of 3:48 pm I was already passed the church ceremony running around the park in the sun taking photos :) ...hmm... time does fly....

I am standing in line at a local chapters book store waiting for HP to arrive lots of people here but noone I know too bad

Ok... does anyone else feel this way sometimes? I feel like I just want to dissapear,completely - for like...a day, or a week - not on vacation, not stay at home, just away - somewhere - where I can't think about anything, I want nothing wondering in my mind, no problems, no worries, nothing - emptiness...so I can sleep, which seems like I haven't done in like 2 weeks, I don't want to hear any more issues, from friends, or work or family or Kris or anyone! I am not trying to be mean or anything, but I cannot be the only one feeling this way, so I am curious, am I insane? slightly insane? or anyone else have days like these?

...hmmm...

It's 2:30 am here and instead of sleeping I feel like rambling on... why? well, I just read Kelly's responses to the postings me, Alaina and Lorraine left, and I feel really critical of myself for some reason - I feel like I haven't expressed as much as I wanted to. I always blame it on the lack of words in my vocabulary, but I do read, often but maybe not what I should...

I get frustrated when I want to describe something, or express myself in more words which are formed all beautifully in my head, but when it comes to speaking or writing them out they seem to disappear in translation...

I haven't finished elementary school in Poland (left at the beginning of grade 7) so obviously I learned how to read and write properly in polish...but missed out on great classics (meaning books that were menditory to read during next years of school that would make my vocabulary more rich in a way)

In Canada I started mid grade 8, finished elementary school mostly because of the transcripts and doing math since the system is a bit different in Poland so I knew a bit more of math (don't need much english for math I guess), all through high school I usually got by because the teachers felt sorry for me that poor immigrant girl has to learn english so I got marks based on what I wrote not how I wrote, which was a very unfair thing when you think about it. I should've been tought proper english, proper grammar but everyone just wanted me to learn to speak, the rest would come "naturally". I didn't go to university even though I really wanted to, because of fear! fear of not knowing if I will be able to keep up with other students that did not have a language barrier. So I went to college, met two great polish girls and since we had the same courses got by once again...

What am I complaining about? well, I wished someone has pushed me more in school to not just get by and "oh with time you will learn the english language properly" I think this has prevented me from doing a lot of things I have wanted, writing being one of them...I think the only person that has truly made me want to write more then ever is Kelly! cause she didn't laugh at my spelling mistakes, or bad sentence structure or any other error, she took my story as a whole and didn't care that I am some poor immigrant girl who doesn't speak or write properly in english...

Conclusion?

Well I am truly lucky to have stumbled upon LJ and found Kelly and Alaina and Lorraine and Rozarka and Sare_Liz and Staciey and Drakelle and Icequeenselene and Dreamerdust and Brit and whoever else that has been kind and understanding and wonderful and "didn't laugh" at what I post and what I write.. that has always been my biggest fear - people laughing at me, not liking me - and I think this community has tought me that there are nice people in the world, that there is a reason I am writing here on lj that I am surrounded by talented people who - just like me - want to write, want to share want to be part of something great, want to meet and keep wonderful friendships...

So I am lucky, with that I can peacefully go to sleep...

I did another one, Alaina its all your fault ;)

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I thought I would do one too, seemed enteresting so here it is:

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